What I've learned from Twilight
by Twilightfangirl311
Summary: Title says it all. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

What I've Learned From Twilight

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Paranormal Activity

I mean NO offense to fans. I'm just bored and wanted to write a somewhat funny story so please don't tell me to go die because I'm hating on Twilight. I am a fan of Twilight and I don't wish to piss anyone off. Thank you, please read and review. ONE-SHOT unless I get more reviews.

Ch. 1: What I've learned from Twilight

1. Guys will fall for girls just because they're a new face even if they're ugly, a klutz, stammers, or is awkward.

2. When someone watches you sleep it's actually romantic. But when the lady in Paranormal Activity does it, it's creepy.

3. Taylor Lautner looks ugly with long hair.

4. Vampires sparkle in the sunlight like Tinker Bell.

5. If you ask a guy to kiss you, he will most likely break your skull.

6. When you die you become pretty.

7. Don't make food for someone unless you know they haven't ate because a certain blond will break a glass bowl and throw a hissy fit.

8. If your telling your dad you have a date, make sure he doesn't have a gun in his hand!

9. Ben and Lauren aren't good enough for the movies.

10. A boy will love you just because he can't read your mind.

11. Some girls think about how they are going to die.

12. The screenwriter(Melissa Rosenberg) can't even get the day that Bella arrives at Forks right. (The movie said March, the book said January)

13. If you drop an apple on your foot it will magically pop up into your hand.

14. It's not weird at all when you date your adopted brother or sister that you live with.

15. It looks really bad when you walk around with a pale face and red ears and red neck. (blame the makeup department)

16. It's very thoughtful and romantic when a guy stalks you around at night in his car.

17. If you find out someone you know is a vampire it's perfectly safe to confront him or her about it alone.

18. A member of a coven(Laurent) will easily turn on the rest of its coven and help the enemy destroy them by telling them all of their abilities.

19. It's a stupid idea to put an author in the movie based on the book she wrote. (especially if you are going to call her by her actual name)

20. Wolves like licorice. (when they're siting in the car in La Push)

Again, I MEAN NO OFFENSE TO FANS! Thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2: What I've learned from New Moon

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Thanks so much for your reviews! Sorry it took SO long to update! I decided that I'm going to do every book of the saga. This is New Moon. Enjoy:)

1. Dreamcatchers don't work.

2. No matter how loud you scream at the TV, Taylor Lautner can not hear you.

3. A guy can get a six pack of abs instantly.

4. In the Twilight world there's no law that states you can't date someone who's under the age of eighteen if you're older than eighteen like in the real world. Bella's eighteen, Edward's seventeen. (It's called pedophilia)

5. If a guy breaks up with you, jump off a cliff.

6. You know someone's a bad actress when they have their mouth hanging open like an idiot ninety percent of the movie.

7. A boyfriend is more important than your friends and family.

8. All werewolves are required to have a six pack of abs.

9. There's nothing crazy about someone hearing voices or seeing people.

10. Edward's abs are ugly.

11. The Cullens are too cool for backpacks.

12. It's alright to leave your dad for three days without telling him where you went or why you went.

13. The Volturi are freaking awesome!

14. When you punch a werewolf in New Moon, nothing happens. When you punch a werewolf in Eclipse, you break your hand.

15. Bella is pathetic. 'Nough said.

16. Asking your boyfriend to kiss you as a gift for your birthday is pathetic. (I would've asked for money!)

17. Life sucks without a boyfriend to the point of committing suicide.

18. When you get a crack on your face from being smashed into the floor, it magically heals.

It's hard to write so much negative things because nothing happened in the movie or the book. Please review.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3: What I've learned from Eclipse

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

1. You can break your arm from walking and chewing gum at the same time.

2. Victoria looks REALLY different.

3. Esme doesn't speak much.

4. Yellow graduation capes are u-g-ly!

5. When a guy kisses you, your boyfriend freaks out. But when you beg that guy to kiss you(when your engaged!) your boyfriend won't care.

6. A cat died on Kristin Stewart's wig.

7. The wardrobe person is OBSESSED with jeans.

8. Robert Pattison forgot to take anti-constipation pills, again.

9. Werewolves hate shirts with a passion.

10. Jessica stole valedictorian from Ben.

11. Marriage is stupid because you have to sign a piece of paper.

12. There's nothing wrong with stealing someone's car engine.

13. Kristin Stewart has a disease which causes the mouth not to be able to close.

14. It's normal to walk around school with gold eyes.

15. Newborn vampires are uglier than regular vampires(No offense!) except Riley

16. Werewolves are on a caffeine high twenty-four-seven.

17. Some girls only wish in life is to seduce their boyfriend.

18. Vampire don't have muscles, blood, veins or organs. (when they're ripping them up in the battlefield)

19. Vampires can die just by being thrown. (even SMeyer said they should've been harder to kill)

20. Wedding rings were ugly back then.

21. A guy will buy a bed for his girlfriend when she can easily just sleep on the couch.

22. Edward's Volvo changes in every movie.

23. Maine has a two-headed lobster.

24. Bella's sunglasses make her look like a witch.

25. It's bad to buy a car and college education for the person you love.

26. Jasper has an on and off country accent.

27. Vampires make a "ding" sound when there heads are ripped off.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4: What I've learned from Breaking Dawn

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

A/N: Sadly, this is the last chapter. Thanks to all who reviewed. I hope you enjoy.

1. Don't mix your mother's name with your mother-in-law's name because Renesmee is a stupid name.

2. Parents don't mind when other people call their child a Loch Ness Monster.

3. Don't invite werewolves to your wedding.

4. There's nothing creepy about a baby born with a full set of teeth.

5. There's nothing wrong with humans drinking blood even though they can get AIDS and die as long as they did it for their mutant baby who is trying to kill them.

6. Some guys walk around looking for girls to imprint on.

7. Imprinting is pedophilia.

8. Giving birth to a half-human half-vampire is actually possible.

9. Sex can kill you.

10. A woman(Rosalie)can be a total bitch to someone and then finds out they're pregnant and then they're like best friends forever!

11. The Volturi are the only ones in this saga with personality.

12. Raven is better at seeing the future than Alice. (I hate Disney, but stay with me here)

13. If the screenwriter doesn't put at least three hours of the Volturi in this two part film, I'll steel the script and spread it across the Internet and they'll be even more pissed than when the pictures were leaked!

14. A series should NEVER end in a happily ever after unless they are cheesy fairytales.

15. "My brother, my son" is the stupidest line ever in a novel.

16. Arm wrestling is a lot more competitive than you think.

17. Bella finally became the sparkly, non-klutzy, somewhat decent supermom!

18. All vampires care about is having sex. (Looks like this rating changed to T)

19. It's not creepy at all when people ask to take a picture with your car.

20. Humans don't realize when another human turns into a wolf. (at the wedding)

21. The people who write the scripts are asses and need to be fired immediately or I'll steal the script and make it all about the Volturi.

Breaking Dawn did suck. Horribly way to end a series. Anyways, thanks so much to all who reviewed! You all are very nice and thank you reading this story even though it kind of sucked. No flamers please. If you're a serious twihard, I mean no offense for making fun of Twilight.


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